Podcast 313 - The Importance of Being Earnest (extract 1)

as far as sth is concerned

Definition: When talking about a particular subject or issue.

Examples:

As far as money is concerned, we need to be careful.
As far as the project is concerned, everything is going well.

a misunderstanding

Definition: A situation in which people do not understand each other correctly.

Examples:

The argument started because of a misunderstanding.
It was just a misunderstanding between the teacher and the student. (It needs to be cleared up)

what on earth...! / why on earth...!

Definition: Used to show strong surprise, confusion, or annoyance.

Examples:

What on earth are you doing here at midnight? I thought you were in bed!
Why on earth did you delete the file? Now, I’ll have to re-write the report.

flirt

Definition: To behave in a way that shows romantic or sexual interest in someone, often in a playful way.

Examples:

He was flirting with a woman at the party.
She likes to flirt, but she is not looking for a serious relationship.

be devoted to

Definition: To be very loyal to, committed to, or focused on someone or something.

Examples:

She is devoted to her family. She visits them every week.
He is devoted to improving his English skills. He studies every day.

clear up the question of

Definition: To explain or solve something that is unclear or uncertain.

Examples:

The meeting helped clear up the question of who was responsible. (See: misunderstanding)
We need more information to clear up the question of costs.

make out (find the answer to)

Definition: To understand, discover, or find the answer to something that is difficult.

Examples:

I couldn't make out what the reason was Dave getting upset at the party.
After reading the report carefully, Mary still couldn’t make out what it was about.

SCENE

Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxurious and artistically decorated. The sound of a piano is heard in the next room.

[Lane, a servant , is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased , Algernon enters.]

ALGERNON.
Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

LANE.
I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

ALGERNON.
I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately—any one can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned , emotional expression is my strength. I keep science for Life.

LANE.
Yes, sir.

ALGERNON.
And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

LANE.
Yes, sir. [Hands them on a silver plate.]

ALGERNON.
[Takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh!... by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are shown as having been consumed.

LANE.
Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint of beer.

ALGERNON.
Why is it that at a bachelor ’s home the servants always drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.

LANE.
My explanation is the superior quality of the champagne, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a high-quality brand.

ALGERNON.
Good heavens! Is marriage as depressing as that?

LANE.
I believe it is very pleasant, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

ALGERNON.
[Lazily. ] I don’t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.

LANE.
No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.

ALGERNON.
Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.

LANE.
Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.]

ALGERNON.
Lane’s views on marriage seem rather careless. Really, if the lower classes don’t set us a good example , what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class , to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.

[Enter Lane.]

LANE.
Mr. Ernest Worthing.

[Enter Earnest.]

[Lane goes out. ]

ALGERNON.
How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?

EARNEST.
Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!

ALGERNON.
I believe it is conventional in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?

EARNEST.
[Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.

ALGERNON.
What on earth do you do there?

EARNEST.
When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is immensely boring.

ALGERNON.
And who are the people you amuse ?

EARNEST.
Oh, neighbours, neighbours.

ALGERNON.
Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?

EARNEST.
Perfectly dull! Never speak to any of them.

ALGERNON.
How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?

EARNEST.
Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such unnecessary luxury in one so young? Who is coming to tea?

ALGERNON.
Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.

EARNEST.
How perfectly delightful !

ALGERNON.
Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won’t quite approve of your being here.

EARNEST.
May I ask why?

ALGERNON.
My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is a perfect disgrace. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.

EARNEST.
I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town with the purpose of proposing to her.

ALGERNON.
I thought you had come up for pleasure?... I call that business.

EARNEST.
How thoroughly unromantic you are!

ALGERNON.
I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. Romance is uncertain. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.

EARNEST.
I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously composed.

ALGERNON.
Oh! there is no use worrying about that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven—[Earnest puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.] Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]

EARNEST.
Well, you have been eating them all the time.

ALGERNON.
That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.

EARNEST.
[ Advancing to the table and helping himself.] And very good bread and butter it is too.

ALGERNON.
Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t think you ever will be.

EARNEST.
Why on earth do you say that?

ALGERNON.
Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.

EARNEST.
Oh, that is nonsense !

ALGERNON.
It isn’t. It is a great truth. It explains the extraordinarily large number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don’t give my approval.

EARNEST.
Your approval !

ALGERNON.
My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell.]

EARNEST.
Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don’t know any one of the name of Cecily.

[Enter Lane.]

ALGERNON.
Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he had dinner here.

LANE.
Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.]

EARNEST.
Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish you had let me know. I have been writing desperate letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.

ALGERNON.
Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually in need of money.

EARNEST.
There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.

[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a silver plate. Algernon takes it at once. Lane goes out.]

ALGERNON.
I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it is of little importance, for, now that I look inside, I find that the thing isn’t yours after all.

EARNEST.
Of course it’s mine. You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right to read what is written inside. A gentleman does not read a private cigarette case.

ALGERNON.
Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn’t know any one of that name.

EARNEST.
Well, if you want to know, Cecily is my aunt.

ALGERNON.
Your aunt!

EARNEST.
Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy.

ALGERNON.
But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? ‘From little Cecily with her fondest love.’

EARNEST.
My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd ! For Heaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows Algernon round the room.]

ALGERNON.
Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? ‘From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.’ There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can’t quite make out. Besides, your name isn’t Jack at all; it is Ernest.

EARNEST.
It isn’t Ernest; it’s Jack.

ALGERNON.
You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest. It’s on your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from case.] ‘Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.’ I’ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.